Breathe, Malou

I can describe us with an endless list of songs. I can see her in everything she has ever talked about. She used to be my first thought in the morning and my last thought when I went to bed. She didn’t even leave me in my dreams. She was always there, with me, in my head, but hasn’t been with me for 8 months.

I used to count the minutes after the last time she responded. That turned into hours… days… weeks and eventually months. I remember the date on which we met, the date on which she was sick, the date when we became something and the date when it ended. It is safe to say that I’m devoted, but that’s what she liked about me.

I know love, this isn’t the first time I’ve felt it and so it shouldn’t have surprised me or have such a big impact on me, but it did. And this wasn’t even romantic love… I didn’t want it to be… I cared deeply about her but didn’t want to give my heart until it was safe to do so. I didn’t want to fall in love with anyone anyway. I couldn’t help it with her. I did not have much choice in the matter, it just happened. And it happened to her too, I guess.

“Please don’t stand so close to me I’m having trouble breathing.” – ‘You can breathe,’ she used to tell me. ‘Breathe, Malou.’ “You can run you can hide, but sooner or later, nowhere to go, I’m already inside.” – ‘We both know I’m already inside your head.’ “And you know it’s okay, I came to my senses. And I’m all in. I’ve fallen harder than a landslide.” -Aren’t I the luckiest girl for being able to… “For a moment, I’m a poet without words… Speechless because you love me at my worst.” “Your love is my drug, I’ve overdosed, I’m right where I’m supposed to be.” ‘Now you’ve found me and I found you,’ she said. ‘I love you.’

‘I’m sorry,’ were her last words. Just those.

“You took it back, how could you go and do something like that?” “I’m so frustrated, falling behind, you were a friend of mine.” – Are you all right? Did something happen? Are you alive? What is going on in your life? “Are we just lost in time? I wonder if your love’s the same.” – Why don’t you care? “Louder, louder, the voices in my head. Whispers taunting all the things you said.” – Don’t forget how special you are to me’ ‘I will always want you, that won’t ever change.’ “I’m not sick of you yet, is that as good as it gets?” – Why am I still breathing you everywhere I go? “I’m trying to let go, not loving you is harder than you know” – I can’t let you go… “You’re the poison in my lungs and my only antidote” “So many questions but I don’t ask why.” – What happened, why?? Where are you?? “And it breaks my heart to love you.” – Please… “Burned out flames should never re-ignite, but I thought you might… Take me, take me, home.” – Please… “Hush hush now” – You’re never coming back, are you?

‘I’m sorry.’ Are you?
Does it matter?

Breathe. In time, everything will be alright.

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Songs:

Distance by Christina Perri
Love is a suicide by Natalia Kills
All in by Lifehouse
Speechless by Memphis May Fire
Overdose by The Used
Greener with the Scenery by The Used
Masterpiece Theatre III by Marianas Trench
Harder than you know by Escape the Fate
Haunted by Kelly Clarkson
Lover Dearest by Marianas Trench
Gasoline by The Material
Hush Hush by Avril Lavigne
Sugar by Editors
Home by Daughter

6 Replies to “Breathe, Malou”

  1. Mounia

    Oh man, I see Speechless by MMF on that list. And Lover Dearest by Marianas Trench, oh boy. *hugs*

  2. Masja

    A strikingly personal story, Malou!
    And thank you for introducing nice music to me, i never heard of.
    X
    Masja

  3. Miilru Post author

    Yes, no one knew either. There’s one more artist you should check out: Emilie Autumn. (Thought you might like it since you like Wende. Not exactly the same, but still…)

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