Sleepless Nights

I complained about the mark I received for my writing project. I wondered about what I’d done wrong. Was this piece of work, really only worth the grade it was given? Was all my work and effort for nothing and is it unfair, or am I simply claiming I’m a better writer than I actually am? I suppose all of There’s more for you to read!

The shame of depression

Today is Saturday, the day on which I was supposed to play Varsity. I am not playing because I cancelled, and I cancelled because my mental health got the better of me. I had fully intended to play Varsity… 1,5 month ago I decided I wanted to play Varsity with the university football team. 1 month ago I played my last There’s more for you to read!

Like Volcanic Ash

It feels like I will never be an adult because my emotions are like the mood of a teenager. I can’t function like everyone else because I never know if I’m going to be ok that day. I can’t ensure that I’ll perform well because I never know if I’ll actually care that day. Who cares about the future? There’s no There’s more for you to read!

Another chance to be happy

Can you imagine that I feel so much pain that if I had a gun right now I would hold it against my head and shoot? Can you imagine that it hurts me even more knowing that I can’t do this? Because I know that pulling the trigger wouldn’t make anything better. Pulling the trigger wouldn’t get me what I There’s more for you to read!

Poorly designed containers

Recently, I did research on representing ‘the unspeakable,’ something that is so terrible (such as the holocaust) that it cannot be represented in literature. Different traumatic experiences can be seen as something ‘ unspeakable’ and the debate as to whether or not it is ethical to represent such an experience is complicated. This is because language often does not do There’s more for you to read!

It will also be okay

There are so many thoughts going through my head that I can’t write them down. It’s like when you are trying to speak but have somehow lost your voice. What if nothing can ever make it stop? And it’s all just covering it up. Just a temporary release? I don’t understand how I can feel so confident and content with There’s more for you to read!

DOWN IT!

‘We’re doing it together; we’re doing it for each other,’ is typically what a team would say to each other in the changing rooms before a match. I started off as a tennis player but fell in love with football. Playing football isn’t as lonely as playing tennis. Knowing that there are 10 other people on the pitch to support There’s more for you to read!

A Surge of Panic

I went to a party the other day. It had been a while since I’d gone out and although I felt anxious about going, I’d convinced myself to go no matter what. The first hurdle came with the dress code. The theme was American Frat party, which sounds easy enough, right? Except it wouldn’t have mattered what the dress code There’s more for you to read!

Dissociated ego states

Two weeks ago I felt like what I would usually describe as ‘anxious’ during football training. This week I started reading The Myth of Sanity by Martha Stout, a study in human consciousness that focusses on forgotten trauma, dissociated mental states and multiple personalities in daily life. As I got halfway through the book I started recognising a possible certain altered mental There’s more for you to read!

Staying above the surface

Mentally, I have never felt this great. I’m feeling more confident, I’m happy and I’m starting to believe in myself. You could say there’s not a single cloud on the horizon. I feel like what I always imagined to be normal. Life feels a lot lighter as if she sun has consistently started shining and it shines through in my There’s more for you to read!

Too functional to suffer

As a child, I went to the paediatrician for my lungs. I only have exercised induced asthma so it’s not that serious, but at the time it was bothering me when I cycled to school. They did a few tests and could only provide me with an inhaler. However, the paediatrician also wanted me to do a fitness test. Apparently, she There’s more for you to read!

Writing and Mental Health

On the 16th of March, Gwyneth Lewis (a Welsh poet) gave a talk on Writing on Mental Health at my university. I was interested because I’m a writer and I have struggled with depression myself. I wanted to know more about the relation between writing and mental health and one of the first points that Gwyneth gave immediately spoke to There’s more for you to read!

To belong or not; anxiety

I just finished writing an essay on Harry Potter for my children’s literature module. In my essay, I talk about the quest motif, and in specific about Harry’s quest for identity. When Harry discovers that he is a wizard and belongs in the wizarding world his identity changes. Suddenly he feels like he belongs somewhere as he is amongst ‘his’ There’s more for you to read!

It’s real

 ‘Are you okay?’ I’m not here. I’m not here.             ‘She’s asleep.’ ‘Malou?’ I can’t hear you.        I can’t hear you right now. From the other side of the counter, she gives me a smile. As I stand there in the middle of the room she picks up her cup and walks There’s more for you to read!