Depression: I feel like I am broken

I feel like I am broken.

Your words and actions have made me feel like I’m broken. Like I’m a failed product that couldn’t be repaired.
Like I’m weird and mad and nothing will ever change that.

You have shown me that it’s not okay when I’m not okay.
It’s not okay when I’m depressed and feeling suicidal and need someone else to support me.

Because I seem absent when I’m not okay.
Because I barely smile or talk.
I seem uninterested and this bothers you.

I have to be a person that people like.
But in order to be someone that others like I have to…

Smile at the right time
Smile the right amount
Say the right things
Say enough
Engage enough
Appear to be having fun

In order to be normal; in order to class as a ‘well behaving’ human being; in order to be able to show my face in public, I need to live up to these rules. I am not allowed to feel bad or sad. It’s wrong because it means that I don’t smile enough. If I’m not okay, other people may also feel bad. I ruin their experience by being quiet and by looking sad.

If all of this has bothered you so much, why didn’t you ever send me back to the factory for repairs?
Why am I still around if I’m not good enough?

I’ve tried, I really have. I’ve tried to be everything you wanted me to be but your demands never match up.
Your demands don’t allow me to be myself.
If I am not allowed to be myself, why should I be here at all?
You should have picked a different person.
Should have simply forgotten about me, since I cause you so much trouble.

I hate myself because I am not good enough.
I hate myself because you have repeatedly shown me that I am not good enough.
I hate myself for being unable to smile.
I hate myself for feeling bad – for showing other people that I’m not okay.
I hate myself because you have shown me that I am not good enough.
I hate myself because I started believing that what you showed me is true.

I am broken and nothing is going to repair it.
So why am I still around?
Why should I continue living? When my life doesn’t live up to the life that I was supposed to live.

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Disclaimer: I am describing how I felt and feel as a result of someone else’s expectations, constraints and ‘rules’. I know that I am worth living. I know that my self-hate is misplaced. However, these thoughts and feelings are real and are thoughts running through my head when I feel suicidal or depressed. Writing them down and acknowledging them is the first step in potential healing for me. Additionally, this is how dangerous it can be to tell and show someone that they are not good enough because they aren’t like everyone else, or aren’t as happy etc. Even if it isn’t your intention, certain words and actions can still have negative effects.

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