I created this video last summer (2018), after finishing my writing project for my undergraduate degree. My writing project was about Kyle, a 16-year-old girl who suffers from the lasting effect childhood trauma had on her. Throughout the story, she is trying to uncover and remember what happened to her during her childhood so that she can figure out what is wrong so she can ultimately heal. This story is not autobiographical in any way and neither was this video (I just didn’t have anyone else to film at the time). However, recently I have realised that while the actual story and events taking place in Kyle’s life are nothing like what my life has been like, I have been dealing with trauma. And like Kyle, I keep on hating myself for being broken and not good enough. Kyle is haunted by the monsters from her past, but can’t figure out what they are and therefore keeps referring to herself as the monster, thinking she is to blame. Similarly, I feel haunted by my monsters from the past and I can’t figure out what they are. Instead, I feel like I am the monster that is to blame for all of this. Therefore, this video has suddenly become very autobiographical.
I want to write Kyle a novel so I can do the story justice. And in the meantime, I’ll continue working at my own story and maybe, in the end, we’ll both actually reach that healing point.
It’s really hard having to constantly fight these monsters.