The shame of depression

Today is Saturday, the day on which I was supposed to play Varsity. I am not playing because I cancelled, and I cancelled because my mental health got the better of me. I had fully intended to play Varsity…

• 1,5 month ago I decided I wanted to play Varsity with the university football team.
• 1 month ago I played my last BUCS football match for AUWFC and told myself that there was no reason to be sad. I would be able to play one more match with them during Varsity.
• 2 weeks ago I bought Varsity kit for 25 pounds.
• 5 days ago I went to football training with Varsity in mind even though I would have prefered to go to basketball training.
• 3 days ago on Wednesday, I had a great night out and the best end of year meal I’ve had so far. I felt happy.

The Thursday and Friday that followed are like ‘what the fuck??????’

It’s as if a literal bomb fell down and exploded and took with it all my memories and sense of everything in the world. I cannot remember a lot about Thursday or Friday. I cannot make sense of what happened and how it happened. I felt happy on Wednesday. Today on Saturday I feel kind of meh. Everything in between is a question mark.

Today – Saturday is a day of shame. Today – Saturday, is not as it should have been, the day of Varsity.

The way I truly feel is that I want to remove all the pictures and posters off my wall. I want to throw all my things away. I want to be in an empty room because that is how I feel.

I am also telling myself that things are good today. I’m trying to ignore the empty feeling because I know that if I start acknowledging it, today will turn into yesterday. I’m taking it slow today and am trying to find the right balance between doing things, and not doing things. I’m trying my best to keep my thoughts at ease. I’m trying to be okay.

Despite what the above paragraphs may suggest, I am doing at least 40% better than I was doing yesterday. I can think more clearly today and I’m closer to myself, or to who I really am. I can think more clearly today and therefore ‘whoever I was’ yesterday seems absolutely mad and I am ashamed.

In fact, I am still ashamed of who I am today as I can still very clearly feel the risk that I’ll slip back into yesterday. Writing about this right now is a challenge but writing can either break or make it. I’m currently writing with the hope to make it.

The shame comes from the sense that it doesn’t make sense that I felt what I felt yesterday and it the actions that came as a result of it do not make sense either. ‘The actions’ include the downright depressive things I might have said to other people and existing at all (it doesn’t make sense, I know).

As a result, I continuously fear that everyone I know will take a step back because the ‘darkness’ that I carry is too scary and overwhelming to come and stay close to.

I’m assuming that some people might think: why didn’t you just snap out of it yesterday and push through? Why can’t you simply be okay? And I completely understand that, because I ask myself the exact same questions all the time. I also know it is not as clear-cut as this, and I also know that if you were thinking this, it is likely because you have no idea what this feeling or depression entails and I do not blame you.

I also feel ashamed (and guilty) for letting my team down (even though I know they support me and my mental health). I also feel like I am not ‘normal’ enough to be ‘normal’ with the rest of them, and I feel like I am missing out. I also know that if I had gone I would have hated myself and could have potentially started to feel like I wanted to die again. I’m not missing out like a ‘normal’ person. I am missing out because this disease got the better of me and I am angry at myself, the disease and the world for existing.

But I’m telling myself that it’s okay. Dealing with this requires patience and the acceptance that sometimes it doesn’t work out. Sometimes it is necessary to take a step back. I have so many people in my life that care about me and that support me and I feel immensely grateful for this. What I really need right now is Monday’s basketball session but for now, I just need to keep holding on. There is every possibility I will manage to climb out of this before Monday.