It sort of paralyses me; it stops me from doing normal daily things, it disables my ability to smile and I feel like I can’t function. Depression does not define me, someone once said. It is a cloud… a layer of smog that settles over your mind- something that clouds the view of what the world is. Depression does not change the person underneath. It just stops you from being that person.
Depression stops me from being myself.
Over time, this is what I started to resent the most. It is worse than the pain and agony and all the other things that come with depression. I want to do things. There are always things that I planned on doing but when the cloud settles over my mind I no longer can.
I’m so aware of it when it is happening. I’m so aware of it when it has happened, too… but being aware doesn’t change the feeling. I know there is happiness, a future and that things will probably get better. I know that only a few hours ago, I was thinking in the most optimistic way possible. Yet, somehow, I do not care right then.
I don’t understand how, in those moments, it is possible not to care. I can be as aware as I want to be, but it does not change my black and white view once the layer of smog has arrived. Can someone explain it to me? Explain it to me but not with logic or scientific or psychological research.
Maybe just don’t explain it to me at all. Don’t tell me any of your wisdom and if you do now, I know you’re not really reading this. I know that in these situations it’s all about coping and seeing the positive side of things. Everything has a positive and a negative side but if you focus on the positive it doesn’t mean the negative doesn’t exist and it doesn’t mean the pain isn’t there.
But please, save me your advice and positive words. Sometimes things suck and that’s just how it is. Luckily, sucky moments pass. The clouds and the layers of smog are not permanently hanging over one’s head. After all, depression does not define you and me.
