A Black Hole of Worries

Am I doing the right thing? Is it right or wrong? Will they think I’m a bad person based on the decision I make? We all have to choose sometimes. At times it can be fairly easy, and it can be overly complicated for others. Most of the decisions I have to make become the latter. I’m fairly confident I spend a certain amount of hours a week worrying about what to do.

It often comes down to thoughts like what if I hurt someone through the choices I make? Or what if they feel like I purposefully made this choice to annoy them?

In reality, making decisions should be easy. The natural thing to ask oneself is: what do I want? And if the answer is one thing, the decision is made. The issue is that I often don’t seem to know what I want. My desire is troubled by a black hole of worries. I’m unable to see and genuinely know what I want. For me, each decision comes down to 50/50 in a negative sense. It’s like the choice between mum and dad; between left and right; between red and blue.

The worries stem from guilt and a social responsibility. We are expected to do certain things in society; we have social constraints but it’s more than that. It’s to do with my moral standing. It’s that question I asked at the start of this post: is it right or wrong and do I hurt someone through the choice that I make? Still, the struggle remains even if a decision doesn’t involve another person.

I wanted a new jacket and had to decide between red and blue. Neither of the colour was exactly what I was after. Red was too announced while blue seemed too boring and safe. Red is my favourite colour, but blue is a close second. What if I buy the wrong coloured jacket and never wear it because I chose the wrong one? What if I waste money this way when I shouldn’t be able to afford it.

Questions that plague me are ones like what if I go out with one but not the other? What if I miss a class over a match? Do I choose an easy writing module I’m likely to dislike or a difficult literature one that could be more enjoyable?

The choice between red and blue is, in fact, easy if both options are always available. I’d choose red when I feel confident and blue when I want to disappear into the crowd. Then what If what I want today isn’t the same as I want tomorrow? Then how do I decide today if I want to wear red tomorrow? How does one decide a future matter based on feeling today?

I know what you’re thinking. Just do what you want. It’s not that complicated.
But it is. It is that complicated in my head and I don’t know how to turn it off. It’s like when you are told not to think of elephants and you can’t stop thinking of elephants. I generally can’t stop thinking; I keep digging, opening door after door and replay the same tape a dozen times until I find the right answer. But of course, the right answer doesn’t exist and thus the process never stops.

If I choose to play a match over class I feel worried when I’m on the bus that’s on its way. If I choose to go to class I feel like I’m missing out. I can’t win no matter what I choose. It sucks, but I guess that means the only way forward is to accept whichever choice I make. It would be easy if I could turn it off. I know people tell me to and I know they just want to reassure me. Why aren’t I like one of those people that don’t care? Maybe I’ll get there eventually.

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