A divorce, it’s very common nowadays, isn’t it?
The thing about divorces… I totally get that people break up and that relationships don’t work out. I understand that people can’t know 10 years prior whether they will still love each other. In that moment when you marry or give birth to your first child, I expect people to think that they know and are overfilled with happiness by the idea that they are going to spend the rest of their lives together with their husband or wife. But- maybe I’m naive. You tell me.
I remember a few certain summer vacations from my childhood, but there’s one that stands out. It was one of the times that my parents were on the verge of breaking up. I remember crying, then growing numb. Outside was so much better. The sun and my friends were waiting for me. I really wanted to tell them then; I needed to talk about it with someone but once I reached my friends their voices were so loud and excited. If I tell them now we won’t be able to play, I thought. And the whole neighbourhood would get to know. My parents wouldn’t want to get the whole neighbourhood to know. I fed off my numb feeling and smiled.
My parents decided to stay together. I always thought it was a good thing I had kept it to myself but was it? No one would have ever thought my parents would divorce. Literally everyone was surprised when they found out. My dad expected me to be immensely affected and wanted me to talk about it but there was nothing I wanted to talk about. The divorce wasn’t a surprise to me and I dare say I am the only person who was not taken aback by it. That doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt me but the truth is that at least they were finally breaking up now.
In that period, everyone thought it was justified for me to be in pain. At that moment, it made sense for me to ‘grief’ but I just wanted to go on with my life. I had been living with this all my life. If anything I also felt a bit of relief which was better than the feelings prior to the ‘announcement’.
What I realise now is that really, whether my parents had divorced or not it didn’t matter for me in the long run. We get born in this world and live our lives the way our parents choose to live theirs. It is not until we move out that we can start to live our lives like us.
I understand that two partners can’t know if they will love each other forever but I don’t understand the concept itself. I understand that in a letter to myself I wrote that I was hoping my parents would stop fighting this year and that nearly 10 years later I’m supposed to be fine. I’m supposed to have sorted all my issues out because I’m not behaving ‘properly’ anymore. You can’t talk to me, no, because my walls instantly go up when a voice is raised. I take a step back and flee to my room. I still cringe when I hear any middle-aged couple fight.
Why do I have to be the only one who has to figure it out? Maybe if the people in my surrounding were to be more patient and if they were to try and understand me we could try and figure it out together. I’m not happy with the way I am and react. I don’t know- I can’t just flip a switch. If the people in my surrounding can’t understand it then maybe they should be the ones seeking help.
My parents, their individual lives are most important. This is a good thing. We should all choose for ourselves but I don’t get the idea of families and children and the point of it all. I don’t want to figure it out anymore and I don’t care about peace. I feel like it’s not worth it. Not worth the talk or the fight or any more pain. I can’t take anymore and I’m beating myself up over it. They have no idea about the strain put on me and my sister and how this is most likely going to continue and bother us in the future.
She’s better off because she is already living on her own. Only two more weeks and I can say the same. I’m not asking you to change your life so stop forcing me to do things too. A cat doesn’t come to you either unless you make him feel comfortable.
It’ll be better in the future when everyone gets their time and space.