Today we had football practise but it wasn’t as fun as it usually is. At the start of the season, we decided to make a little report of each match that we played. Everyone did this in the first half of the season, but no one has made one for a few weeks now because ‘we’ no longer want to. Since we decided to make these reports at the beginning of the season, our trained said we should stick to it and keep it up till the end. One of the players agreed, saying that it did not take that much time to do it anyway. Someone else admitted that she felt the same. Especially since there are only 4 matches left, why not finish it now? We decided to vote and as we did, I had not yet made up my mind. In fact, my mind was blank. At that point, I was honestly fine with whatever decision would be made. Therefore, I did not vote. Turned out that wasn’t an option and the trainer told me to choose. Truthfully, I had agreed with all the arguments that were given in favour of making the reports. I also think that since my trainer and our leader like it and seeing how much effort they do for us, we should, in fact, write it. Then I voted no.
The response was horrible. Both our trainer and leader started to walk (away?) and made some noise out of frustration and disappointment. Actually, they were both surprised at first, just like the rest that had voted in favour and someone said: “But you like to write.”
I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to- If it is so important then- I don’t know why I said no, you wanted me to choose something, I didn’t think about it, no was the first word that came to mind.
Personally I hate having to write a report about a match. Yes, I do like to write but no, I do not like to write these reports. I don’t like it because it can take me a day if not longer to do so. I’m not talking about the actual writing part, but about getting to do it. I am so worried about everything about it that I want to do anything but write it. I feel pressured and don’t know where to start or how to do it properly at all. I can never remember what happened in a match anyway. When I think about writing a report it seems super easy and I cannot explain why it gives me so much pressure which then results in me hating myself, as well as getting down and eventually sleep deprivation that night, but it does. I KNOW that it happens because so far it has happened every time. So I’m guessing my natural instinct said no today.
However, I would change my ‘no’ into a ‘yes’ if I could. I could have written one more little report now. I had already been preparing myself for it since I would have had to write it this Saturday. And I really don’t understand why I have allowed myself to vote no. In principle I think we should all do it, if not for us then for our trainer and the leader.
The training itself was not fun. I felt incredibly guilty and… I really can’t stand seeing people upset. It upsets me too and even more so if it is my fault. All it makes me want to do is cry. At the end of the training, our trainer asked us if we wanted to say anything and truthfully I did. This has happened many times before, but I never actually say something and I really hate myself for it. In the end, everyone just sort of walked away, upset.
I wish I could have explained myself. I wish I wouldn’t have said no. I wish things weren’t this way. But once you have done something, you have to deal with the consequences. Stop crying over it in the shower. Stop feeling guilty and therefore playing bad, or functioning ‘bad’. Just suck it up, Malou. It is your own fault now deal with it yourself.
