Still trying

It often happens, that thoughts are creeping in. Sometimes they find their way inside slowly. Sometimes they come all at once. Often no one knows that this is going on. I might just be tired. Or annoyed. You know, something. It’s okay when I can hide it. Sometimes it goes away again because my surrounding helps getting me out of it. Then there are sometimes when there is no such excuse of being able to be tired and I become rude. I shut down. I can’t talk. I can’t do anything but stare in front of me and continue the thing that we’re doing. If I don’t I’ll cry and break down. You can ask me what’s wrong but… how do you explain such a thing? Did something trigger it? Probably. Yes… I might know what. But you should realise that I am also already upset with myself, for getting upset like that. For letting my mood go down like that. For behaving the way I do now. But I don’t know how I can possibly turn it around when I feel like I’m about to collapse. When thoughts of wanting to disappear run through my mind like waterfalls and I’m trying not to cry and break down. I know I can trust my friends. I know I can tell them. But it gets hard once I’ve lost my voice. The only way I can break out is by accepting that this is happening first, by stopping to blame myself, by focussing on the positive; something good around me. I owe that to everyone, don’t I? And in the end you need me to be around. But you don’t know. You really don’t know how hard I’m fighting all the time. I know it’s selfish of me, to even write this down without your point of view. I don’t blame you for responding the way you do. I’m still trying. I’m still trying.

Leave a Reply