There are so many thoughts going through my head that I can’t write them down. It’s like when you are trying to speak but have somehow lost your voice. What if nothing can ever make it stop? And it’s all just covering it up. Just a temporary release?
I don’t understand how I can feel so confident and content with life one moment and then literally as if there’s no other way than simply to not exist. I know this isn’t the real me but it feels so real. It makes this room feel unfamiliar and nauseously familiar at the same time. As if I’ve known it all my life and am trapped in bed like when you are sick as a child when the curtains are closed even though it’s day outside. It feels as if this room could be spinning but the walls are exactly where they should be every time I look. It’s like this bed could flip upside down and it’s like as if a dark figure could walk towards me, grab my neck without killing me. I’d just be kept there in a state of constant fear. Not the good kind. And yet nothing happens but I feel trapped in my own skin. The quiet is unbearable and yet the only thing I can cope with. Everything feels weird and the only way out seems to be to step out of life. But it’s not a concrete thought. It’s simply a conclusion to this situation. It would be the only way to end it forever. But then it’s also the way that would end everything else too. I must sound like a mad person. I’m not sure how I can cope with just me alone. But I’m not alone because I have all these friends. I’ll be fine again tomorrow until it comes back around again and again. It makes me wonder how I made it all the way here when right now these moments are as sparse as they’ve ever been. How did I ever make it this far when I feel like I can barely survive a night like this?
I’m sorry for writing this to you
I just don’t know what else to do
I need to contain myself and stay in this bed and not think of all the things I want to do right now
But it’s not working. I mean it will be fine
It’s always fine
I just wish I could stop having to go through this
It doesn’t even make sense and I know it doesn’t have to make sense but why
It’s almost as if it’s calling for me to
To go back to the familiar where at least when numb it’s not like this
It doesn’t matter which thought I follow and talk back to it all leads to the same
How I hate myself
For writing this
For writing this to you
For being like this
For having this tonight
For having this brain
And it feels like it’s all my own fault
That I’m not strong enough
And haven’t done the right things to try and change it
Fix it
But it will be fine tomorrow right
Tomorrow I’ll feel stupid because how in heaven did I let this happen
It won’t make sense
I’ll be embarrassed
I’ll also be okay
