Fitting in Society’s Beauty Standards

Why do we always worry about our appearances? Why do we worry about whether we are dressing up ‘too prettily’ or ‘too fancy’ for the occasion? Why are there certain occasions in which we can’t be that pretty? It’s like there has been a complete flip of rules since I’ve reached young adulthood. As teenagers, following the fashion rules and wearing make-up was important and expected. When I got older it became cool to stop shaving and in my circles, it’d be frowned upon if you wore anything but comfortable shoes. I don’t think doing either of the two situations is better than the other but it feels like we are stuck in constraints dictated by society and it’s our judgement towards each other that’s keeping us trapped in these chains.

I remember planning to change my clothing style when I moved to Aberystwyth back in 2015. In the two years prior, I had started enjoying making more of an effort, like wearing a skirt or a dress every now and then. However, back in the Netherlands, I felt like I couldn’t really do this too often because it was too ‘special,’ as if I’d be making too much of an effort because everyone was used to me being the opposite of feminine. And indeed, simply wearing this apparently feminine bag was very out of character and didn’t suit me, according to some people in my surrounding.

So in my first week of classes in Aberystwyth, I dressed up nicely. I wore a dress to class even though I hadn’t shaved in three days (Indonesian genes means hair grows quickly). I wanted to wear a dress because I felt good wearing it, but when no one else did I quickly stopped making an effort at all. Not long after, I completely forgot that I had ever intended to dress up nicely. Instead, everyone (including me) was baffled at the amount of clothes I owned but never wore.

I settled for feeling comfortable in hoodies and spent most of my undergraduate time in my football kit. It didn’t really matter if I had a game, training, class, or went grocery shopping; sports clothes became my go-to outfit in which I felt comfortable. It was cool because a lot of people in uni clubs wear their sports kit around campus and I remember someone outside of the football club remarking how she could recognise us everywhere because we were always wearing our kit.

Don’t get me wrong it is very comfortable walking around in sports clothes. It doesn’t require any thinking or planning and people won’t compliment you or actively judge you (at least not at uni); you’re the norm. In hindsight, I would have liked to wear something different and nice too every now and then. I mean, I had literally planned to change my ‘style’ when I arrived in Wales because it would be a new start.

I then graduated and left Aber last year and arrived in St. Andrews in September 2018. I started out dressing as I always had over the past three years. Partly because I had to cycle 30 minutes into town but also because it was comfortable. But then eventually, I drifted back to my original desire to dress up nicely.

I had kept a pair of heels unused for the past eight years or so. I absolutely loved the shoes but never dared to wear them, afraid that it’d be too much. I decided to wear them in town and had a full anxiety/dissociation episode. I remember leaving my room that day and running into my flatmate whose first response was: “ooh, are you going on a date? Which girl are you seeing?” And my instinct told me to turn around and shut myself into my bedroom. I ignored my instinct and left the house but my anxiety had definitely been heightened.

I was worried that people were looking at me. I thought they’d judge me for dressing up too ‘fancy’ or that what I was wearing made me look silly, unlike myself and not as how the rest of the world seems to know me. That day I was meeting a friend in a specific place but I had to park my bike on the other side of the street. Once I locked the bike in place, I also stopped moving, overly aware of the noise my heels would be make if I moved. I spotted my friend on the other side of the road and decided to wait for her to come to me. I knew she would have to notice my heels eventually, but postponing the reveal seemed like the best solution at the moment. I felt like I wanted to sink in the ground when we started walking but after a few minutes with no apparent response from anyone around me (apart from a small compliment from my friend) I started to relax a little. Her presence and response established that this was normal and therefore okay. I hadn’t overdressed and what I was wearing wasn’t too much out of character. This was okay.

Since arriving in St Andrews, I’ve slowly started to make more of an effort to look nice–or, at the very least to not go out in my sports clothes if I’m not heading to the gym or training. I’m doing this because looking good makes me feel good and (is slowly) starting to give me confidence. I’m also doing it because I’m enjoying it. I’m doing it for me and I’m doing what feels good while trying not to think or adjust to what I think society might think.

Back in secondary school, it was important to fit in and wear what everyone else was wearing. There was huge pressure of merging in with everyone else; it felt a little like walking on a catwalk with all the spotlights aimed at you and every move you made was being judged. While I didn’t have a clue about fashion, I tried to keep up to some extent. For a while, despite disliking it I wore eyeliner and mascara every day because it was the norm. Depression then, of course, ensured that I stopped caring because you know, life didn’t matter to me anymore.

I stopped paying attention to having to shave, I stopped wearing makeup and ignored whatever fashion trend was going on at the time. I felt empowered by doing my own thing and ignoring the status quo. The older my peers got, the more they too started shifting towards no longer caring. Except that’s not it at all. We’re not worried about keeping up with the latest fashion trend but we do worry about whether we are dressing up too nicely. Like, will people look down on me for trying to look nice for a simple lecture?

Even wearing a full matching football kit to training was looked down upon. Apparently doing so makes you a full kit wanker? But like… it used to be really cool to wear a full kit to training when we were younger. I mean, professionals wear full matching kits to training, but since we’re only amateurs we don’t get that privilege or something? And if we do wear one it means we’re trying too hard.

I completely get that there are different appropriate ways to dress for different occasions, but I don’t think that’s truly what we’re so worried about all the time. Apparently putting your hair up can be too prom or wedding like for a ball, while I would argue that maybe it’s just nice to put your hair up sometimes. Maybe it’s okay if you’re simply looking beautiful for the night. The dress code that’s going around seems to be ‘don’t try too hard because it’ll make you vain and we’re not supposed to be vain;’ it’s like we’re sabotaging our own beauty because society says that we aren’t allowed to be too beautiful.

We live in a society where everyone judges each other. Women judge each other, even though we should be united, shouldn’t we? Deep down inside we all want to be beautiful and we all are beautiful, but it seems like we don’t allow each other to be.

I mean, with the general “you asked to be sexually assaulted for dressing up that way” and adult men telling me that wearing stilettos as a woman will indicate that I want to have sex, it’s no wonder we might feel the need to underdress.

And with the general weight shaming and idealised model images in the media, of course, the majority of us feel like we’re not allowed to wear those nice outfits.

I think we should try and stop judging each other, embrace our own beauty and encourage confidence amongst each other so that we can find the courage to be ourselves. I get it, I am a fully functioning wheel in the ‘needing to fit in and judging people that don’t because of my own insecurity’ system. Although, recently I’ve stopped doing that and I’m proud of it. I shouldn’t need anyone’s approval to wear what I like and eventually, I’ll have enough confidence to wear whatever I want and feel happy regardless of receiving that first compliment and confidence booster