Sometimes I’m losing, even when someone else is around. Someone or something can cause it, but that does not matter in this case.
It starts with a bad feeling. This is a feeling and not a thought, followed by a first thought: I should not be feeling this way. I’m blaming myself for feeling this way, then tell myself I’m stupid because I am not to blame. New negative feelings emerge and eventually make me unable to be happy. If I’m not happy I won’t be able to smile; I can’t fake my emotions when the real ones are too strong. There is guilt because I am unable to smile. I blame myself once again, but also start to figure out that it isn’t really my fault. However, at that point, I don’t know what I can do to change it anymore. If someone asks me something, I can’t answer. I’m too busy trying to control my breathing. It keeps me ‘calm’ and will ultimately keep me standing. If I open my mouth, I will break down.
I can’t trust you with catching me when I break down. You already failed me when you could still reach me, you did not pay attention until it was already too late. I need to do this on my own because I can only trust myself.
The fight in my head might be familiar to you, but even if you know the answer, I can’t trust you on your word. The cause in this fight may no longer be important to you, but it still is to me. I need to find this answer- every answer… It’s as if I’m deliberately making myself fight. It’s as if I want to experience all these fights because I need to go through everything… step by step. You see, I can’t seem to excel unless I think I am reaching ‘perfection’. That means I will not feel comfortable doing anything unless, so to speak, I know how to perform all twenty moves in order to complete a dance, and so that also means I will not step foot in this world unless I am perfect enough.
One of my biggest fears is making mistakes because you can get rejected when you do; you can sink on the scale of value in someone else’s eyes. I will be unworthy of anyone and anything if I make mistakes, therefore I will stay alone until I know I am perfect enough.
Perhaps I shouldn’t care this much about others, but other people are important; I don’t want to hurt anyone. I need to be aware and know and improve. I need to improve in order to be a better person for my surroundings and I need to improve in order to figure out my place in this world. I’m disappointed and tired; I’m feeling like a stranger in this world. I don’t want to be in this world where I’m feeling so alone, but I have to stop fighting it. I’m here, all right? Yet, if I wouldn’t be fighting, I would have committed suicide years ago.
The real question is: how do I let go without falling? I can’t only be yin and I can’t only be yang.
This is simply an analysis of my thinking process. I’m not talking to or about anyone and I’m not feeling bad. I’m analysing which, frankly, I’m doing all the time.