Neither Yin nor Yang

Sometimes I’m losing, even when someone else is around. Someone or something can cause it, but that does not matter in this case.

It starts with a bad feeling. This is a feeling and not a thought, followed by a first thought: I should not be feeling this way. I’m blaming myself for feeling this way, then tell myself I’m stupid because I am not to blame. New negative feelings emerge and eventually make me unable to be happy. If I’m not happy I won’t be able to smile; I can’t fake my emotions when the real ones are too strong. There is guilt because I am unable to smile. I blame myself once again, but also start to figure out that it isn’t really my fault. However, at that point, I don’t know what I can do to change it anymore. If someone asks me something, I can’t answer. I’m too busy trying to control my breathing. It keeps me ‘calm’ and will ultimately keep me standing. If I open my mouth, I will break down.

I can’t trust you with catching me when I break down. You already failed me when you could still reach me, you did not pay attention until it was already too late. I need to do this on my own because I can only trust myself.

The fight in my head might be familiar to you, but even if you know the answer, I can’t trust you on your word. The cause in this fight may no longer be important to you, but it still is to me. I need to find this answer- every answer… It’s as if I’m deliberately making myself fight. It’s as if I want to experience all these fights because I need to go through everything… step by step. You see, I can’t seem to excel unless I think I am reaching ‘perfection’. That means I will not feel comfortable doing anything unless, so to speak, I know how to perform all twenty moves in order to complete a dance, and so that also means I will not step foot in this world unless I am perfect enough.

One of my biggest fears is making mistakes because you can get rejected when you do; you can sink on the scale of value in someone else’s eyes. I will be unworthy of anyone and anything if I make mistakes, therefore I will stay alone until I know I am perfect enough.

Perhaps I shouldn’t care this much about others, but other people are important; I don’t want to hurt anyone. I need to be aware and know and improve. I need to improve in order to be a better person for my surroundings and I need to improve in order to figure out my place in this world. I’m disappointed and tired; I’m feeling like a stranger in this world. I don’t want to be in this world where I’m feeling so alone, but I have to stop fighting it. I’m here, all right? Yet, if I wouldn’t be fighting, I would have committed suicide years ago.

The real question is: how do I let go without falling? I can’t only be yin and I can’t only be yang.

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This is simply an analysis of my thinking process. I’m not talking to or about anyone and I’m not feeling bad. I’m analysing which, frankly, I’m doing all the time.

2 Replies to “Neither Yin nor Yang”

  1. Miilru Post author

    Thank you, Tom. I’m here for you too. I think it’s very interesting how you can relate o: I thought most of this would come over as… gibberish :P

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