Staying above the surface

Mentally, I have never felt this great. I’m feeling more confident, I’m happy and I’m starting to believe in myself. You could say there’s not a single cloud on the horizon. I feel like what I always imagined to be normal. Life feels a lot lighter as if she sun has consistently started shining and it shines through in my creativity. I didn’t know creativity could feel this incredible. It always felt good, but never this good when I was depressed. There is a branch in my tree that continuously grows a new one, and another, and another. I have so many ideas and so many things I want to do. I have made it to the surface. I have actually made it to the surface and yet, it also feels as if someone has forgotten to untie the rocks to my feet and suddenly the sky is filled with clouds again.

As I’m swimming in the water the rocks pull me back down. I start to paddle more vigorously and pull at the cords but while I’m fighting I’m going down. There is no way to ignore the pull. I can’t keep it up and before I know it I’m half back under. I’m trying to stay afloat much like I did in the past, but unlike before, I’m fighting against physical pain.

I’m fighting against the physical pain in my head. It feels as if I have an air sealed balloon wrapped around it, which stops just below the eyes. When it’s there it’s constantly pushing down on my head. I wake up with this feeling in the morning and the middle of the night. It feels as if the world looks different but I know that can’t be. I often feel lightheaded and sometimes my body feels really really weak. Everything is doable if I sit still and don’t do much, but I can’t make it to the supermarket without having the pain in my head double.

I do eat, regularly. I even feel like I’ve been sleeping better than I usually do. My blood has been tested and so has my heart. I tried pills and a nasal spray as prescribed by the doctor and even had a ct scan. But nothing’s wrong with me, I’m perfectly healthy but then why do I feel this way?

Why is it that when I finally feel good, I don’t feel good at all? Is this some joke as thought up by the universe? Or is this the aftershock that comes with having been depressed for several years? Why can’t no one tell me what’s wrong with me? Am I just making it up? Am I too sensitive? Is this my own fault? And if nothing is ever found how will I manage all the years ahead of me?

I wake up nowadays and tell myself: it’s okay, you can push through this. So I get up and like, put on a wash or something, and as I make it back to my room my head is spinning so I lie down, try to relax for an hour and then tell myself: it’s okay, you can push through this. I repeat this step and then halfway through the day, feel like crying because how can I possibly do this? How does someone live like this? So I cry and give up for a while, just lie there and wonder about life until I realise, once again, that this isn’t helping. So I get up and tell myself: it’s okay, you can push through this.

I’m starting to feel anxious again. I’m starting to feel down again. I’m starting to feel like I don’t want to eat again. I’m starting to think… again.

But I can’t let any of those things happen. I fought so hard to get here, I can’t let myself slip back there. And yet the rocks are constantly pulling at my feet. I’m slowly adjusting and avoiding activities that make it really bad so I no longer break down. But will it be enough when university starts again? I have the luxury to take everything slowly right now but I’m afraid that unless I get stronger the rocks will actually get me eventually.

I once wrote a post called ‘Under the Surface‘ in which I write about what it’s like to go under when struggling with depression. I made it to the surface mentally wise, but I feel like the same description is now applicable for my struggle with physical pain.

Songs that express my feelings at the moment:
Ease by Troye Sivan
Falling inside the black by Skillet

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