Staying above the surface

Mentally, I have never felt this great. I’m feeling more confident, I’m happy and I’m starting to believe in myself. You could say there’s not a single cloud on the horizon. I feel like what I always imagined to be normal. Life feels a lot lighter as if she sun has consistently started shining and it shines through in my There’s more for you to read!

Too functional to suffer

As a child, I went to the paediatrician for my lungs. I only have exercised induced asthma so it’s not that serious, but at the time it was bothering me when I cycled to school. They did a few tests and could only provide me with an inhaler. However, the paediatrician also wanted me to do a fitness test. Apparently, she There’s more for you to read!

Writing and Mental Health

On the 16th of March, Gwyneth Lewis (a Welsh poet) gave a talk on Writing on Mental Health at my university. I was interested because I’m a writer and I have struggled with depression myself. I wanted to know more about the relation between writing and mental health and one of the first points that Gwyneth gave immediately spoke to There’s more for you to read!

It’s real

 ‘Are you okay?’ I’m not here. I’m not here.             ‘She’s asleep.’ ‘Malou?’ I can’t hear you.        I can’t hear you right now. From the other side of the counter, she gives me a smile. As I stand there in the middle of the room she picks up her cup and walks There’s more for you to read!

A writer committed suicide

Joost Zwagerman, a Dutch Writer committed suicide on the day his new book got published. I didn’t know him, but the news appeared everywhere. Another known person took his own life- a writer took his own life. The news articles told me he had been struggling with manic-depression and had a father and a best friend that tried to take There’s more for you to read!

Depression is a cloud

It sort of paralyses me; it stops me from doing normal daily things, it disables my ability to smile and I feel like I can’t function. Depression does not define me, someone once said. It is a cloud… a layer of smog that settles over your mind- something that clouds the view of what the world is. Depression does not change There’s more for you to read!

I wish you could be honest with me

“I hope you find a way to be yourself someday, in weakness or in strength, change can be amazing.” February 2008 – I fled upstairs as she received the call. She would know what I had done. I hurt her and had broken her trust. As I was trying to find the courage to face her, I started to cry. When I There’s more for you to read!

When fear carries the biggest weight

Sometimes there are moments in which you can’t see straight anymore. As soon as fear weighs the heaviest, realism will be off the scale completely. The positive which usually outweighs the negative does no longer seem to matter. If it’s like this and this, you can either do this and this, but neither works out. No matter what you do, There’s more for you to read!

Turning black

I’m breathing… still breathing. It’s the only sound I’m hearing right now. A hushed breath, god I hope no one can hear it. I can’t stop the breathing because if I would, I’d fall down right here right now. My body is crouching. I really don’t know how my legs can keep me standing. I look tired, someone said. Do There’s more for you to read!

We get no vacation

I was walking home, a 6 minute walk from the bus stop, past the big pond in a neatly kept neighbourhood. My glance trailed down as I turned and the sun shone on my back. All around you could hear the quiet of nature; birds somewhere hidden in trees, water gushing ceaseless, a little breeze; and, of course, the children… laughing, playing; There’s more for you to read!

Where no one sees and no one knows

 I don’t want to feel. I’m not feeling. I’m numb. I have time… I should… Write that article. Create a poster. Read through course material. Manage Finance stuff. I should… I feel so tired… so numb. Why can’t I talk to you? Who should I talk to? Tomorrow… More work tomorrow. There’s a deadline tomorrow. I need to smile again, There’s more for you to read!