“I recognise it,” my mum said to me today. “There are always a thousand things to do and I’m constantly stressed,” I told her, not at all in a coherent way, and that I had to do this and this and this and this and this, and that basically, I was feeling kind of stressed.
“You are about to move abroad, you should be focussing on packing your stuff, managing your bank account, your papers, etcetera but instead you’re worried about a trailer and all those other things that are not really relevant right now.”
I continued by saying: “You know, I have so many friends-”
“And she has this and there’s her and then that happened and it’s impossible to keep up with and support everyone but I really want to and I love being around them and knowing about their lives and imagine if the internet did not exist because how…- I just feel so stressed.”
Everyone is asking me now, are you excited? The first answer I keep on giving is: “I’m too busy to be able to think about it.” To be honest, I don’t even know how I got to this point. I never planned it out like this, but then again, I didn’t plan it at all and I can’t even imagine what it could be like if I would be feeling relaxed right now. What is feeling relaxed even like??
I’m so ready to go to Wales, is what I’ve been saying ever since I received my unconditional offer and I can’t believe I’m not actually feeling ready right now. I feel like my head exploded. What is this? Some sort of self-sabotage? It’s not like anyone pressured me into doing things. I’m the one who says yes and put the pressure on myself. The silly thing is, I didn’t even fully realise that maybe it had become too much until my mum said so today. Yes, I want to help, I really do. I never feel like I can’t do anything because, well, why shouldn’t I be able to? Everything is possible. You just gotta do it. There are no borders but- surprise, surprise- turns out I’m a human being and that means there are. Oh, man, the irony. And you know, you’re not even helping anymore if you can’t because you have been overloaded. Way to go, Malou. Of course, this means that I should continue to try and help because if I don’t I double fail someone. Logic.
The things I had to do for others are more or less finished now, but they are still ongoing in my head. I can’t find rest and I’m feeling incredibly jumpy. I want to turn off my phone and laptop, but I don’t feel like I can. A lot of my family and friends will want to wish me a safe trip on Monday and likewise, in the evening will want to know that I’ve arrived. However, I guess I might not respond in the upcoming days. Mum can inform my dad and everyone else will have to rely on the ‘no news is good news’ rule.
Holly told me only one or two weeks ago: you don’t live to satisfy others, Malou. I’m sure you will understand. Please do understand. I’m still trying to find a balance; the balance that I just lost and which caused my need for recovery time now. I’ll see you again in a few days. Take care!