“I hope you find a way to be yourself someday,
in weakness or in strength, change can be amazing.”
February 2008 – I fled upstairs as she received the call. She would know what I had done. I hurt her and had broken her trust. As I was trying to find the courage to face her, I started to cry. When I came downstairs, she seemed to be miles away. There was a table in between us, but she took the steps I didn’t dare to take. My best friend opened her arms and gave me a hug despite what I had done. It broke my heart more than anything. I didn’t deserve it.
That night I made a vow to myself; I would never let anything like this happen again. I threw myself away and opened the door to the thoughts that ended up haunting me for years. It meant I could be in control and it didn’t because with the control I can take a step but I can’t take one without. But, as long as I’m in control I can’t possibly hurt someone; I can’t possibly make any huge mistakes because I don’t want to. I threw myself away because being a good friend was more important to me. I stopped smiling and I stopped acting out of my own feelings. The little spontaneity I had left disappeared entirely and I achieved what I wanted to. I changed ‘for the better’.
Eventually, this backfired. Was I fun to be around anymore at all? I couldn’t let go. I couldn’t just shout if I wanted to- hell I barely even said anything anymore. I couldn’t sing. I couldn’t dance. I still can’t, not even in my own room when I’m home alone. I had trouble filming in the presence of other people even though it was a part of my education. I started avoiding a lot of things in life and at one point even felt anxiety about setting a foot out out on the street.
To protect myself, I turned indifferent. If you don’t care, you can’t be anxious and so it is possible to live. Little did I know I was making it worse as I became so indifferent that I couldn’t reach my creativity anymore. I lost the one thing that I had always been able to count on and I have tried to get ‘better’ ever since then.
The problem is, I have been trying to get better through others. For some reason, I had the idea that what I thought and felt wasn’t as valuable. It resulted in what my friend perfectly described as:
“You just feel really, really lost, and because of that, you’re going to others in hopes that they’ll give you directions to find yourself again. But you realize their directions are just what they are, their own directions from their perspective of you. Which you see as wrong but at the same time you don’t even know your own perspective on yourself so you listen anyway.”
Where is my own perspective and how do I find it?
“I wish you could be honest, I wish you could be honest with me.”
From now on, I will try be honest with myself.
Honest by The Neighbourhood