Turning black

I’m breathing… still breathing. It’s the only sound I’m hearing right now. A hushed breath, god I hope no one can hear it. I can’t stop the breathing because if I would, I’d fall down right here right now. My body is crouching. I really don’t know how my legs can keep me standing. I look tired, someone said. Do I? I guess, but it is not like I did anything today. Nothing exhausting anyway. I feel like no one should be able to see me because she sun is shining. It is because of the sun that I can’t seem to see their faces at least. If I can’t see them, they won’t see me. Childish huh? I can’t bring myself to put up the façade. I can’t smile and god, I am so sorry. I’m so sorry for ruining your 50 minutes of play time. For so many years, so many days… minutes. And you don’t know why. You don’t even ask. You do not dare ask, do you? You have learned by now that you can’t fix it. You simply need to focus on the others and let me be, because once I’m gone there’s nothing you can do. It’s not your fault. It is mine.

I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe. Close your eyes, the sun will make sure you’re hidden. I still can’t breathe. God I’m so sorry.

I’m really sorry, Peter.

I’m really sorry too, dad. I can never be ok when we’re together in public, can I? It’s not like I don’t like you or don’t want to watch you play tennis. It’s not your fault it is mine. I can’t breathe, god I can’t breathe.

I’m barely moving forward and I wonder whether that is because of the wind or because my legs aren’t moving fast enough. A known face passes me. I say hi, unlike usual, and then there’s another familiar face. I wonder if they don’t say hi because they don’t recognize me or because they don’t want to.

“I wish I could eat your cancer when you turn black.”
But, I was supposed to be singing this to her. I’m supposed to be singing this to them. It’s never for me, is it?
And so there is no song I can think of that can describe the way I feel right now. I feel non-existent, but I’m really here, aren’t I? Isn’t that the problem anyway? I’m not breathing, I can’t breathe.

Doesn’t matter where I go or what I do. Doesn’t matter who I meet or what I choose. I can’t snap out of it, I can’t do it for anyone. I can’t do it for me. I cannot breathe. I don’t understand why I continue to live without air in my lungs. Why can’t anyone explain the logic of that?

And I just feel like I can’t breathe. And as if I’m about to throw up but instead I’m choking. And my head is exploding while my insides crumble. And so I simply fall down when I try to move. And lay on the ground while I’m trying not to choke. And no one will hear.



Heart-Shaped Box by Nirvana

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